I never thought that I'd one day write a blog like this. Up until now, my blog was meant to shed some laughter and light for the single ladies (and guys) in my community. I feel like I could possibly get killed for writing this blog, but I really don't care. If my blog can help and inspire even just one woman to get out of a bad situation, then it's all worth it. . . So, Bhull Chuk Maaf in advance. . . here goes. . .
California. California was very good to me. The weather, the mountains, my job, my home, the people, the food, my allergies! It was all very good to me. But there was one thing that wasn't good to me. . . him. He had a very demanding job and I tried to be as understanding as possible. Even though before I moved here, he told me we would be able to spend time together. He told me we would go sight seeing, mountain hiking, and dog walking together! You see, I'm a Sagittarius. I am an adventure seeker! But even more importantly, I am a woman. I am a love seeker. So, you can imagine my sadness when I got here and found out that he couldn't give me anything. The thing that hurt the most was. . . It wasn't about him working all the time or the way he treated me while he was away (even though that matters too), it was about the way he treated me when he wasn't working. It was about what he did and what he said when he was at home. He lived and continues to live with his family and I get it, they are a priority too. But, he simply couldn't make any time for me. He simply wouldn't make time for me. We fought often because of this and there were many times that I just shut down and stayed quiet because I didn't want to fight.
There were many times when he would make plans with me but then blow them off because "something came up." He couldn't even text or call. He didn't want to give me a time because he knew he couldn't commit to a time. One day we were supposed to spend the whole evening together. We met up at the park and I hadn't eaten because I assumed we would eat together. Upon arrival, he told me that he was going to have dinner at his home because his mom made this fabulous Indian dish that he had to have. The worst part was. . . he had already had it that day and he wanted the leftovers. I got upset and he said, "Why can't you just eat alone tonight?"
In my mind, I thought. . . I was eating alone every night…
All I could do was cry. And when I started to cry, he got up and left. And so there I was in what felt like the middle of California (well technically speaking southern California) all alone in the middle of the park with no one to call and no one to see, just me and my dog. My friends and family were hundreds of miles away in Houston and I was alone. I couldn't stop the tears that were streaming down my cheeks because he chose his mom's leftovers over an evening out with me. My dog was circling me, my dog was licking the tears off my cheeks, and then being the husky breed descendant wolf that he is, he started howling. And so there I was crying, there was my dog howling, and he just kept walking…
I was told later that he just got angry and by him walking away from the situation, he did a good thing… Well, hat's off to him… let’s give him a Nobel peace prize. >:(
This recurring fight/ struggle kept on happening over and over, and over again. I was told to have more patience. I was told to be more understanding to him and his needs and his stresses. But who was understanding me? I moved halfway across the country to be with the one that I "love." And, above all, it was his idea for me to come here. It was his encouragement and excitement that motivated me to come here. It was his promise and commitment that brought me here.
One day. . . we were in the park (I know right, it always happened in the park!). We were arguing and I shut down. I stayed quiet and he got angry that I was quiet. He did the same thing. He walked away and went into his car. I thought he would drive off instantly but he just kind of stayed there with the motor running. I stared at him and I thought to myself that I shouldn't be quiet. I should communicate how I feel. I went into the car. It was now him and I in the front seat and both of our dogs in the back seat. I told him that I wanted to talk now but he started ignoring me (Retaliation, I guess?) He was on his phone. He wouldn't look at me. I got upset and I snatched the phone out of his hands. Nothing could have prepared me for what was about to come next. . . he said. . .
"Give me my phone back otherwise I'm going to slam your head into the window."
Sadh Cyber Sangat Ji, I'm okay. I promise I'm okay. I didn't write this to make me look like a victim or to make him look like a monster. I don't think I'm a victim and I don't think he is a monster. I just think he is immature and he doesn't know how to manage his emotions or stresses. (Who knows, maybe I am guilty of this too?) The reason that I am sharing this all with you is so that my sisters can be aware and step out of situations like this before it escalates. I am also sharing this so that my brothers can avoid thinking like this and hopefully prevent their brothers, fathers, and sons from thinking like this…
The world is already so chaotic, especially with Trump in the mix. Why are we adding more chaos?
The worst part… and I'm sure you all saw it coming… he said it was my fault. He said I provoked him. Even worse, I almost started believing it.
And so, the question now is this: Can a woman provoke a man to hit her?
Here is my answer: Yes, a woman can provoke a man to hit her but it STILL doesn't give him the right to hit her, to raise his hand at her, or to even threaten to hit her.
Please allow me to explain…
Example #1
Let's say, that there is a car and a motorcycle driving side by side on the freeway. Let's say the motorcycle is in the far-left lane and that the concrete median barrier is to the left of the motorcycle.
The car is to the right of the motorcycle. Now, the motorcycle can go just as fast as the car (maybe even faster!) The main difference between the car and the motorcycle is the car has more armor than the motorcycle. Now, let’s say the motorcyclist is taunting the driver of the vehicle. Let's say he or she is cursing and spitting and revving up his engine and just being super annoying. Even though the driver of the vehicle is super annoyed, he or she still wouldn't even think of switching lanes, colliding with that motorcycle, and slamming it into the concrete wall. And also, think about this, even if the motorcycle tried to collide with the vehicle, it would barely dent the car. But, if the car collides with the motorcycle, the results could be detrimental. Common sense, right?
You'd think…
Example #2 (My favorite)
I have a husky and he is a big dog. Every day without fail, whenever he passes by a small dog, the small dog will start barking at him. That bark is very annoying, but despite what the small dog is doing, it does not give the big dog the right to pick up the small dog with its teeth and snap it's head off. And yes, a big dog can probably growl or bark back, but 9 times out of 10, the small dog will continue to bark. I can proudly say that nowadays my dog just looks at the small dog and carries on with his business. That's my baby!
What I'm trying to say here is this: Guys, we know you are bigger on the outside. Now be the bigger person on the inside. Be the car that drives away from the motorcycle. Exit the freeway if you must. Be the big dog that ignores the small dog and finds another spot to poop and pee on.
And ladies, don't be the small dog that barks at your man. You heard me, I'm talking to you! Remember when you threw his phone up against the wall! (His $900+ iPhone, whatever number they are on now!) Ladies, it is NOT okay for you to push your man, slap your man, throw his phone, throw plates, throw clothes, whatever.
Couples are supposed to bring out the best in each other, but if occurrences like these keep happening, it sounds like ya'll might be bringing out the worst in each other. And if that is the case, it might be time to find a new partner.
It is always good to step away from an argument (unless you are leaving her alone in the middle of a park), just take a deep breath and come back. And guys, come back quickly. If you wait too long, you just might lose her.
Despite all of this knowing and understanding, some people just really do have a short fuse and it's not right and it's not fair for the other person. Whether you are a male or a female, if your significant other is abusing you physically or emotionally, cry it out, talk it out, and walk away! Otherwise one day, you may be forced to run away.
And parents, I'm on my knees and my hands are folded. Please don't hit your kids. I understand that sometimes your kids might need a "spanking." I don't have kids, so I really don't know, but I was once a kid myself. If you instill fear into your children, they will grow up resenting you and hating you. They will lie to you, they will hide from you, they will sneak out of the house and probably mess up your window sill and/or garage door opener . . . (sorry Mom and Dad!)
The kara that we wear is not just a fashionable bracelet. It's a reminder. Please, please, please let it serve its purpose. The Guru gave it to us for a reason. The next time you even think about raising your hand towards your loved one, take a look at your kara and take a deep breath.
We will never be able to grow as a community if we do not grow within our own households first.
Bhull Chuk Maaf
Miss Kaur
