I’m very fond of this particular Sikh teaching; suffering and happiness are the two sets of clothes worn alternately by every human being as they travel on life’s journey. It can help us to understand that problems are a part of life, no matter what we may do to protect ourselves; we will encounter them along the way.
The problem was actually a solution at one time. Like in the story of the man who needed to get across a river. Having built his boat he made it safely over to the other side, but then continued on his way carrying the boat on his back for the rest of his life. What is a problem today was the perfect thing to do yesterday given who we were then and our circumstances. We can respect our problems for the good they have done us in the past and know that we have evolved now. Problems are a natural by-product of our growth process. When we want to go in a different direction that’s more in line with who we are in the present, the old way of doing things becomes problematic.
Our problems are opportunities in disguise. They enable us to change ways of behaving and thinking which are no longer productive for us. A good analogy here is of iron, which is first placed into the furnace and made red hot, then taken out and given a good beating by the blacksmith as he hammers it into a new shape. The process we go through with our problems is similar. The intense heat and pressure we experience are necessary to help us get rid of our impurities – those beliefs and ways of acting or relating which need to be updated.
Like the blacksmith, individuals whom we perceive as difficult for the ‘hard time’ they give us, are actually very important to our development, they tell us ‘hey, this is where you need to look’. Hence the saying ‘our worst enemies are our greatest teachers’, because they expose vulnerabilities in us, which we can then strengthen. Viewed in this light, problems can be seen as positive challenges through which we can improve our lives.
Acceptance as paradoxical as it may sound is the first step to changing any problem. This can be hard, but it need only be momentary. Let’s take an example. Imagine I want to visit Paris. I could wish forever and it will remain totally impossible, unless I first acknowledge where I currently am. The moment I accept I’m in London the way to get to Paris is instantly mapped out and within a short space of time I could be there. My accepting I’m in London isn’t the same as liking or wanting to be in London, I may not want to be here for a single minute, however in order for me to get to my destination I must accept that’s where I am today. And so it is for our problems, acceptance of the present situation as it is, no matter how much you dislike it or wish it wasn’t the case, is key.
The solution is always present in the problem. The trick is knowing how to find it. Once you have accepted there is a problem, ask yourself; ‘What do I want instead of this …?’ These are the magic words which will transform your problem into a goal, something you feel attracted towards. It’s far easier to move in the direction of a goal than it is to focus attention on a problem. This is because when we think of problems we usually recall events that have already taken place (the past), causing us to feel stuck, helpless and demotivated. The going round and round in circles kind of thinking. Changing the issue into a goal will steer your thinking towards the future, by getting you to focus on how you would like things to be. It’s energising, creating a positive attitude with which to overcome the difficulty.
The ups and downs of life are the continuously changing externals, the ‘clothes’ we wear on the outside. True happiness, the kind which is constant because it’s not dependent upon any circumstance, relationship or possession is to be found on the inside, within us. That’s the place of real stability and security.
Darshan Kaur is based in south-east England and works as an NLP Therapist, providing help for a range of different issues including weight management, stress and relationships.
She also delivers personal development training courses to private and public sector organisations.