Today is her birthday. She turns 31. And instead of celebrating and laughing and smiling, today she is crying. Do you want to know why? Take a guess. She is 31 and single. And when you are a brown girl that has crossed over to her 30's without a husband or fiancé, your birthdays are filled with dread and despair and constant reminders of your single status. Now, I know that every community and race and religion faces this, but once again I feel like in our community it’s taken to a whole new level. A level of unworthiness and loss of self esteem. A psychologically and mentally training level. It’s Disgusting. I experienced it. I lived through it. And now, I continue to see it. And it infuriates me.
This will probably be one of my biggest rants because this is a topic that is very personal to me. I am normally very upset with India and our prior generations and all of our Aunties and Uncles. But today, I am also upset, hurt, angered, and severely disappointed in our current generation. I am so mad at the females in our age group in our country. I'll tell you why, but first. . . .
But first, let’s start with the prior generation and let’s start with India because that is where it all started, right?! So, back in the day and I guess to this day in India, parents were very strict with their children. They didn’t allow them to date or even talk to the opposite gender. Then when their children approached a marriageable age (current day India I believe is age 25), the parents would arrange their son or daughter’s marriage. I guess it was fairly easy because you know, there is like a billion of us over there. And as awkward as it was, hey it worked! (I think.)
Now all of these Indians move to America and start having kids that were born and raised here. And here is the interesting and disturbing new trend. Our parents held on to those strict values. They still didn’t allow us to date and they didn’t like it when we spoke to the opposite gender. Okay, I get it. BUT, once we reach a marriageable age, instead of arranging our marriages (I guess the pool got smaller so they gave up) they just now get mad at us for not being married! And with each passing year, the anger grows more and more! WTF!? Does this make any logic or sense to any of you? How are we supposed to make the jump from not dating and/or not even taking to boys to getting married!!!
That's like giving us a final exam and not giving us any books to study with. Not even a pop quiz!
And now, here is where I go from confused and upset to apalled and outraged. On top of all of this, some of you parents have been putting your kids down emotionally and mentally by insulting them for not being married. Some of you have had the odasity to complain about our weight, our skin color, our education, our profession and many other things. Instead of lifting us up, you have taken hits at our self esteem and our confidence. And as our parents, whose opinion do we as children cherish and respect the most? Why is this considered "ok" in our culture? Why is considered okay to talk down to your children and hurt their feelings? To the parents that do this: We are your offspring. We are a reflection of you. To put us down is to put yourself down. Nobody wins. I see this all the time and it is absolutely heart breaking.
Oh and I’ve saved the best for last. Everything that I have just mentioned applies to females only. If you are a guy you can talk to whomever you want, do whatever you want, and best of all get married whenever you want. Sure there are some reminders, but hey, no rush! Take your time! And best of all, there is nothing wrong with you guys! You all are perfect!!! I hope you can pick up on my sarcasm and yes I know that it is not like this in every single household. Just the majority of them. >:(
This lack of confidence that you parents have instilled into your daughters are now carried with them into their future relationships and their marriage. That lack of confidence will then make women tolerate certain behaviors that shouldn’t be tolerated (example: verbal and physical abuse, cheating, etc...) because now the female thinks that she can’t do any better. That lack of confidence will not let her think that being single is okay even though being single is totally okay!!!!
For example, if a girl's father calls her stupid, a female will think that this is just how men are and that this is acceptable. Then when she gets married, if her husband calls her stupid she will also think that's okay. And gosh, that's just not okay.
And now let me come to the part that has brought about this new anger to the depth of my soul. I’ve seen many American born and raised Indian girls that were once depressed over being single get engaged and married and then think that they are superior to the remaining single girls. Again, I say WTF?! I’ve heard newly married females say that they can’t hang out with their single girlfriends anymore because they are either afraid to leave their husbands alone for a few hours or they just develop this new stuck up attitude. I’ve even heard of newly engaged females trying to compare who’s engagement rings are bigger at Gurudwara! Yes, you read that right! At Gurudwara! Gurudwara!!!
What is wrong with you ladies?! I thought that this was the generation of “feminism” and “female empowerment.” First we have to fight off our parents and now our friends?! I wish I was making all of this up but unfortunately these are all real life examples. I myself recently got engaged. (Thank you!) Upon news of my engagement, married friends of mine that hadn’t spoken to me in forever all of a sudden wanted to talk to me everyday and start hanging out again. No! Just no! If you weren’t my friend when I was single, you don’t get to be my friend now that I am taken. I am the same person now that I was before.
In fact, all of my experiences that led up to my engagement have been part of a strong and powerful journey. My real friends (single and married) stuck with me throughout that entire journey. That journey and that struggle are now embedded within my being and my soul and I will never forget it. Therefore, when I see another female going through a similar experience I will do my absolute best to help her, guide her, and encourage her.
That is why I am writing this today. For all the females that are turning 30, 35, thirty whatever, go out and enjoy that piece of cake on your birthday. For all of the females from north India, south India, Bangladesh, Pakistan, from wherever, it doesn't matter who you are or where you are from, you are so so so beautiful and so worthy. Everyone has a different destiny written for them. I don't care what anyone says. There is no "right" or "wrong" age to get married. And yes, I've heard all about the biological time clock, but again, I believe that these things are in your destiny. If it's meant to happen, it WILL happen.
I believe that we are just visitors in this world. I believe that each and every single one of us were placed here for some reason and some purpose and that we all have something unique and special to offer to this space. And if we spend our lives worrying about marriage, then what are we doing???
Page 4, Line 8 of Sri Guru Granth Sahib
ਅਖਰਾ ਸਿਰਿ ਸੰਜੋਗੁ ਵਖਾਣਿ ॥
Akẖrā sir sanjog vakẖāṇ.
From the Word, comes destiny, written on one's forehead.
~ Guru Nanak Dev
Bhull Chuk Maaf
Christine Kaur
NOTE: Amazing artwork (header) by: The Pakistani Martha Stewart
