May 05, 2019: I've always written about breakups. To be more specific, romantic relationship breakups. Boyfriend and girlfriend breakups. Devastating, heart breaking, and gut wrenching breakups. But, there is another type of breakup that is underestimated yet just as painful if not worse.
Friendship Breakups.
Your friends are your main support system. The are the ones that you confide in when your parents are being weird. (And when you are Indian, that's pretty much all of the time!) They are the ones that you see sometimes everyday whether it be at school or work or just to hang out. They are the ones that lift you up when you are down. They are the ones that actually like you and love you for all of the craziness and quirkiness that you are. They are the ones that you picked because you see a little bit of yourself in them. They are an extension of you.
So, when one or more of these friendships end, it doesn't just affect your heart. It affects your soul. Why and how do friendships end? And what does Sikhi have to say about it all? Here are my thoughts categorized into three different titles for our generation:
1. Generation Sincerely Busy But Still There
The first example I'd like to give really isn't an end. It's more of a natural drift. Life can sincerely and genuinely get pretty busy with marriage, kids, moving, etc. etc. But when you talk to this friend after days, weeks, or months, or even years, it feels like absolutely no time went by. You both fill each other in on each other's lives and catching up with that person warms your heart and soul. It's a beautiful energy exchange. Your lives may have changed but your love for one another didn't. And no matter how much time has passed, those moments that you use to catch up are filled with light, love, and laughter. The friendship didn't actually end. It was there all along and it stayed in tact even though it wasn't on the surface. It was always and will always remain there.
2. Generation Flakey AF
The second example I'd like to give is when some friendships unnaturally drift apart. These friendships are one-sided. These friendships are flaky. These friendships make you feel undervalued and under appreciated. When you get off the phone with this friend you are left feeling confused. And it certainly isn't an energy exchange. It's just a draining and exhausting energy for one friend. It's not a good feeling. This friendship will inevitably come to an end. And this is how:
It's meant to be a joke but it's true. It's generation flaky. It's generation Netflix is more important than friends. It's generation get out of plans with a text message. It makes you wonder why you're even friends. Please don't get me wrong. Everyone needs to block out the world once in a while and do their thing. Everyone needs to take some time to themselves and recharge and every once in a while, unfortunately, plans must be cancelled in order to achieve that purpose. And I get it, the latest Game of Thrones episode could not be interrupted!!! But when it's not just once in a while and when it's constantly ditching a friend through a series of text messages, it's not a friendship.
It just hurts.
3. Generation Blockus
Blockus is actually the name of a board game which some of you may or may not have heard of. If you haven't heard of it, go find 3 friends that aren't part of Generation Flaky AF and play it! It's so much fun! Generation Blockus sounds better than Generation Block, so here goes. . . lol
Last but not least, there are the friendship breakups that happen due to a major or a minor fallout. You've butt heads on a topic or a person. You both haven't agreed to disagree on something and one of you or both of you can't get past the disagreement. Or something happened and one friend feels betrayed. One friend feels like the other friend wasn't loyal. And it could have been caused by misunderstood words or actions by the other friend or worse: an exaggerated lie by a third party. And before you know it, you've been blocked. We belong to Generation Blockus. With one swipe or click or touch, we can block all communication with a person. We don't try to sit down calmly and talk things out. We argue and go back and forth on text messages and when we can't take it anymore we block the person. Romantic relationships often break up like this too and not only is it unhealthy, it leaves one or both people with no closure, with disbelief, and confusion about the entire relationship itself making it hard to trust people in the future.
Side Note: If a friend is being toxic and abusive in any way, shape, or form, yeah block them. Unless you truly think you can help them without getting pulled down, sometimes certain folk do need to blocked for your own safety, security, and mental health. And yes, that applies to romantic relationships too.
So what does Sikhi have to say about all of this? From everything that I know about Sikhi and Gurbani, we are not to be attached to anyone (which is hard!) because everything and everyone in this life and this world is temporary. I believe that our ultimate friend is Waheguru and our most divine friend is the Guru. There is no doubt there.
Page 41, Line 19
ਭਾਈ ਰੇ ਮੈ ਮੀਤੁ ਸਖਾ ਪ੍ਰਭੁ ਸੋਇ ॥
Bẖā▫ī re mai mīṯ sakẖā parabẖ so▫e.
O Siblings of Destiny, God is my Friend and Companion.
Guru Ram Das - view Shabad/Paurhi/Salok
Page 40, Line 12
ਗੁਰਮੁਖਿ ਸਜਣੁ ਗੁਣਕਾਰੀਆ ਮਿਲਿ ਸਜਣ ਹਰਿ ਗੁਣ ਗਾਇ ॥
Gurmukẖ sajaṇ guṇkārī▫ā mil sajaṇ har guṇ gā▫e.
The Gurmukhs, my spiritual friends, bestow virtue. Meeting with my spiritual friends, I sing the Glorious Praises of the Lord.
Guru Ram Das - view Shabad/Paurhi/Salok
And I think that no matter what religion you belong to, anyone that helps you on your journey and tries to brings you closer to God is truly a great friend. Anyone that supports you on your journey, lifts you up, loves you, enjoys being in your company, and most of all appreciates you is a friend.
Growing up I was blessed to be part of a group of friends that met every Saturday for what we would call Gurbani meetings. We learned kirtan, sung kirtan, studied Gurbani, and had great discussions on the Guru's message and how to apply it to our daily lives. And if ever any of us went astray, we were all there to pull each other back. And by the Grace of God, all of these friends are in my generation sincerely busy but still there group. ;)
I've had a lot of friends who aren't Sikh as well help me on my journey and I on theirs. And it's amazing because even though we are from different paths we share this amazing connection that is so universal and simply just beautiful.
But alas, I have had some friends who have been in the Generation Flakey AF group and the Generation Blockus group. And if I am being completely honest, I have been in both of those groups myself (especially Generation Blocks!) But, if I ever blocked someone, I would always feel bad shortly afterwards and unblock them. However, sometimes by the time I unblocked them, the damage was beyond repairable. Near the end of these friendships, things got difficult but I know that they had to enter and exit my life for a reason and/or maybe I had to enter or exit their life for a reason. It just takes a while to accept that when someone can be removed from you life with the click of a button.
You can block them on your phone, but you can't block them from your heart.
Bhull Chuk Maaf
Christine Kaur
Page 29, Line 12
ਸਤਗੁਰੁ ਸੇਵਿ ਮੋਹੁ ਪਰਜਲੈ ਘਰ ਹੀ ਮਾਹਿ ਉਦਾਸਾ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥
Saṯgur sev moh parjalai gẖar hī māhi uḏāsā. ||1|| rahā▫o.
Serve the True Guru, and your emotional attachment shall be totally burnt away; remain detached within the home of your heart. ||1||Pause||
Guru Amar Das - view Shabad/Paurhi/Salok
P.S. Have you ever heard of soul groups? It's this belief that the same set of souls that you met in previous lives are with you again on this life just in different shapes or forms. I find it so interesting and fascinating. I feel like it's the reason that you have this instant connection with certain people upon first meeting them. It could be that the souls recognize each other from a past life. And while Sikhi speaks more of breaking this existing cycle so that we can merge with Waheguru after this life, it's still super fun to think about. But it's also why I always have a hard time of letting go of people. I always want and need closure. I hate ending things on sour notes. I'll admit it. I am attached! And often I think that if I leave things unfinished with people in this life, does that mean we would meet again in another life to fix stuff? If there is another life to come back to? Alas!
