Sikh wedding, don’t panic! Explore !
Anand Karaj (Wedding) talk to an engaged Sikh couple.
I explored SikhiWiki website to see what it tells me about a Sikh wedding. I was amazed to read following.
'If you are invited to a Sikh wedding, don’t panic!'
"These wedding events are big, boisterous, chaotic,, with lots of twists and turns during the day, tons of food, lots of music and much energetic dancing. You'll have a hard time figuring out what's going on; just go with the flow of things and enjoy the events. A wedding day will be a long eventful and exciting affair - so be prepared to start early and finish late. Have a good rest the previous day and be fresh and relaxed for the wedding day. Etcetera.
Perhaps this is written to make an American/English or persons who are from a different culture and who may be attending a Sikh wedding. I was not amazed, because it is a true description of a normal Sikh Wedding today, as most of us have experienced this.
My article is to guide the youth for an authentic and an enjoyable celebration for present times. I have over 10 nephews & nieces who got married before I started penning my suggestions for others, for whom I deeply care. Also included in are my observations and lessons to learn from our failures.
Sikh wedding is called Anand Karaj. It simply means Anand = Being Blissful, and not just being happy during the wedding days and honeymoon period, Karaj = Actions you are performing, in this case Being Blissful until last breath.
Like all Sikh celebrations Anand Karaj also is a ritual free and a simple event.
A ceremony to start life of a householder together and in presence of your immediate families, with whom you have to closely, regularly, interact and cherish the relationships for years, till death does us apart.
Wedding, celebrated as a family affair, have better connection and relationship between people who have to be directly affected. It is like one needs minimum noise when one wants to hear carefully an important message.
Most young couples presume they will do the ritual of what they have seen at other weddings, and follow the directions of friend or elderly guiding them for the ceremony. Suggestions made by guru are often not heard, or deeply understood. Somehow Anand Karaj has become a REGULAR EVENT, when this is the MAIN EVENT.
Mostly this event is finished quickly in 1 to 2 hours.
Attendees, after Anand Karaj, partake of langar. According to what Sikh tradition and Rehat Maryada tells us, Anand Karaj ends here. Many Amritdharai Gursikhs, follow this route even today and both may serve the Langar to family members, which is step one or beginning of householders life. Local guests and couple went home (Doli).
Presently our focus is on the PARTY. Which has become the MAIN EVENT and takes up to 8 hours. Many weeks of time is spent to put together 6-8 hour event and many hundred miles driven to places for selections, picking up venue, menu, music, songs and lighting. Table decorations and who sits where. Names, calligraphed with the help of friends and chart made to find out your table number...napkins matched...even time spent deciding the font-size of the wedding invitation and color coordination.
My wish for folks to be married is, utilize this time in learning what makes and how to make a happy married life. For a Sikh, main source would be their Guru Granth. Second source would be their parents. They have made it through practically and could make you aware of all the pitfalls honestly.
Right after the laavaan, life of the householder begins. Now a days one has opportunity to practice after engagement. One starts having interaction and relations building in worldly-materialistic ways, by understanding each other's liking: favorite color, favorite food, cars, habits or may discuss needs. Most likings of each other are learnt by weekly meetings, observing for few months to couple of years. But do we really make sure, if we have learnt to develop tools for developing deeper relations, deal with adverse circumstances or truly how we are/remain two (2) bodies and work towards (1) oneness, unified decision making, one soul...learn to develop and work out congenial ways of working together. Listening to each other if your ideas, opinion about some things are different..instead of matching colors for their party clothes, etcetera.
Guru says: Mehla3. Third Mehl:
mÚ 3 ]
ma 3 ||
Third Mehla:
Dn ipru eyih n AwKIAin bhin iekTy hoie ]
dhhan pir eaehi n aakheean behan eikat(h)ae hoe ||
They are not said to be husband and wife, who merely sit together.
eyk joiq duie mUrqI Dn ipru khIAY soie ]3]
eaek joth dhue moorathee dhhan pir keheeai soe ||3||
They alone are called husband and wife, who have one light in two bodies. ||3||
We do not pre-learn, plan or discuss for responsibilities of a householder. I would suggest to learn for: what causes breakups, some time: within few months of a wedding and hurt you for a lifetime along with a deep hole in the pocket. Break-ups are on the increase and it is important, one should even learn about them. Like when, we are expecting a baby in the West, both parents go through 'Lamaze (child-birth) Classes'. Any of the things one planned for are never a reason for disagreements, fights, lawsuits, divorce, in India or in the West. Even suicide or murders are premeditated after failures.
We get rubbed off and holding a party has become a norm. One has attended a few parties and this is an opportunity to pay back. And we all do the same thing invite many, its easiest thing to do.
Following Gurmat way: Will give fine ways to choose for a Good Sikh Wedding.
Keep wedding simple and a closely related family affair. Have invitees limited to close relatives & sumitr "good/best friends".
Mehandi or Chunni is not a Sikh's tradition. Unfortunately, humans follow, like monkeys and have added this celebration as an elaborate pre-party with a dinner & dhol (Do Not's). If you wish to have this event..this is bride, her cousins and close friends her age affair. Mehandi, Haldi (Tumeric), washing with curd or lassi application was done to her by cousins & friends when girls did not untill wedding day used any creams to soften their skin, like today. Bride could simplify this event by reading Rahras (See Sangeet*) together with invited cousins or Shabads/lyrics which motivate towards a happy life, enjoy pizza, salad with them.
Third guru Amar Das has some very good advice, for us.
ibnu sbdY suDu n hoveI jy Anyk krY sIgwr ]
bin sabadhai sudhh n hovee jae anaek karai seegaar ||
Without the Word of the Shabad, purity is not obtained, even though the soul-bride may adorn herself with all sorts of decorations. Third Mehl: Ang 651
Without learning (sabadhai)) reality/ understanding the value (sudhh n hovee) just over decorating (many decorations) is of no use.
Conclusive Notes: Whether you spend 20 hours or ten times more (200 hours), your wedding is going to be a best one and pictures are going to be perfect too. I have never noticed, one sharing pictures that recollection of matching of flower color. But who graced their function.
Time you spend should be used for better things...relationships, love, helping your in-laws (father, mother, brother, sister) sharing time with them, understanding them, caring for them and their needs, including financial. Do not say this happens only one time in life, but accommodating and being flexible to respect others.
Improve your own home garden/decorate so you may be able to invite your colleagues for a personal cozy tea party @ home than in a five-star hote .(with the amount you were spending to rent hall) and have a green/unique wedding.
Recommendation For a Cozy Party.
Hold this party in a natural setup or in a garden, by a lake, a lawn of a golf course or Country Club depending on the situation of your local availability. There are Gurdwaras which have very nice facilities to hold a party. Conducting a Garden Tea party in the afternoon, one could enjoy cutting cake, snacks and natural drinks, make nice pictures with flowers & friends.
Share with every invited guest...smiles, handshakes and HUGS, set an example of Sikh wedding for your to-be- married Sikh siblings, cousins and friends and enjoy the good ambience and environment. (See my article clip below)
Another idea is to separate Sikh/Indian Families and friends. (If your number of guests is around 100. This will also fit your budget better. When you are back from Honeymoon, few weekends or even a few months later throw a Tea Party in your home garden with Cookies, Cake, Samosas for bride & bridegroom colleagues, bosses and other friends. Enjoy each others company, sit in a close circle, each one shakes hands with everyone else, gets to know name of everyone...explain guests Sikh wedding's values, advantages & teachings. Share a few pictures from Honeymoon and your journey etc...This will bring closeness between you.
One may find my proposal different because doing the same thing is easy, to be different, one has to think and invent. Though being authentic and different is much appreciated. I bet your true and sincere friends or relatives will appreciate this than a formal evening dinner.
There is less of bickering between all who are going to build a relationship..(Many time decisions of party become reason for conflict. Alcohol or not, how many to invite and how much to spend on each guest and who pays for what.. One party may have 200 friends and another 30 including family members. Make less of headache for you & and heartache for your old parents by keeping things simple, short and sweet. To make arrangements it takes many hours and exhaust resources of many parents, which is really of no value for momentary pleasure..(illusion)
Bhai Gurdas ji explains: This is not the way to satisfaction - lest enjoyment. (See ਸੱਚਾ ਭੋਗ Real/True Enjoyment) Bhai Gurdaas Ji Vaars Bhai Gurdaas 27):
AKI vyiK n rjIAw bhu rMg qmwsy]akhee vaekh n rajeeaa bahu ra(n)g thamaasae||
The eyes are not satisfied with beholding sights and exhibitions
akhee vaekh n rajeeaa bahu ra(n)g thamaasae||
The eyes are not satisfied with beholding sights and exhibitions
ausqiq inµdw kMin suix rovix qY hwsy]
ousathath ni(n)dhaa ka(n)n sun rovan thai haasae||
The ears are not satisfied with hearing praise or blame, mourning or rejoicing.
saadhee(n) jeebh n rajeeaa kar bhog bilaasae||
The tongue is not satisfied with eating what affords pleasure and delight.
nak n rajaa vaas lai dhuraga(n)dhh suvaasae||
The nose is not contented with good or evil odour.
raj n koee jeeviaa koorrae bharavaasae||
Nobody is satisfied with is span of life, and everyone entertains false hopes.
(You may Explore what makes us satisfied and causes enjoyment.)
Invite The closest relatives: Each & everyone must be welcomed by both of you, when they come and must give everyone a handshake and a HUG when leaving. Mothers, fathers, siblings and maternal uncles-aunts and mother-father's siblings and their family. (Bhai G urdas)
Gurus Suggestions also are:
jo sMswrY ky kutMb imqR BweI dIsih mn myry qy siB ApnY suAwie imlwsw ]
jo sa(n)saarai kae kutta(n)b mithr bhaaee dheesehi man maerae thae sabh apanai suaae milaasaa ||
The relatives, friends and siblings of the world that you see, O my mind, all meet with you for their own purposes.
jith dhin ounh kaa suaao hoe n aavai thith dhin naerrai ko n dtukaasaa ||
And that day, when their self-interests are not served, on that day, they shall not come near you.
Definitions explained
mIqu - True Friend, companion and ਸੁਮਿਤ੍ਰੁ (sumitr) Good friend
so swjnu so sKw mIqu jo hir kI miq dyie ]
so saajan so sakhaa meeth jo har kee math dhaee ||
He is your friend, your companion, your very best friend, who imparts the Teachings of the Lord.
Guru Arjan Sahib, Guru Granth Sahib, Page 298
A loving friend and companion is one who opens our minds to truth/divine wisdom. We realize then, that we have an avenue to a wealth. Through understanding this wisdom, it can be a part of our life. With and by this knowledge, we renounce our conceit and egoism. As the wisdom gradually unfolds, the virtues of the truth/divine emerge from within to enable us to deal with life’s challenges.
swjnu bMDu suimqRü so hir nwmu ihrdY dyie ]
saajan ba(n)dhh sumithra so har naam hiradhai dhaee ||
He is a companion, a relative, and a good friend of mine, who implants the Lord's Name within my heart.
Guru Arjan Sahib, Guru Granth Sahib, 218
In a world beset with difficulties, feelings of worry, anger, fear and hopelessness come to be accepted as a necessary part of life. Over involved in the physical world, we have allowed negative habits to take a stronghold in our life. Only true wisdom (divine) can help to disentangle and calm the mind.
One who can implant some divine wisdom in us, who can take us to a place of peace and calm, is a good friend. Association with these divine-conscious individuals inspires us towards virtue and goodness. We become aware of the divine essence in us. Through their exemplars, we get rid of false perception, and overcome our weaknesses. To bring meaning and purpose to our lives, why not take another step then, towards the source of this wisdom - Gurbani. There can be no truer friend and companion than this!
myrw imqRü sKw so pRIqmu BweI mY dsy hir nrhrIAY jIau ]2]
maeraa mithra sakhaa so preetham bhaaee mai dhasae har narehareeai jeeo ||2||
He alone is a friend, companion, beloved and brother of mine, who shows me the way to the Lord, the Lord of all. ||2||Guru Raam Daas Sahib, Guru Granth Sahib, Ang 95
ਯਾਰ (yaar) Friend, close friend. (Persian)
suix Xwr hmwry sjx iek krau bynµqIAw ]
sun yaar hamaarae sajan eik karo baena(n)theeaa ||
Listen, O my intimate friend - I have just one prayer to make.
this mohan laal piaarae ho firo khoja(n)theeaa ||
I have been wandering around, searching for that enticing, sweet Beloved.
Guru Arjan Sahib, Guru Granth Sahib, Ang 703
*From Sanskrit sajjan, blend of sant + jan (good human) —> Pali sajjan —* Prakrit sajjan —> Sindhi sajan (a benevolent person, friend), Lahndi/Punjabi sajjan (friend) and Hindi saajan (lover).
Awid miD jo AMiq inbwhY ] so swjnu myrw mnu cwhY ]1]
aadh madhh jo a(n)th nibaahai || so saajan maeraa man chaahai ||1||
My mind longs for that Friend, who shall stand by me in the beginning, in the middle and in the end. ||1||Guru Arjan Sahib, Guru Granth S ahib, Ang 240
We all wish we had a lifelong friend who is always there to help and support us to the very end. Is there someone who can be with us all through our life? There is - the Omnipresent Divine.
He is the sustenance of our life. He protected us while we were in our mother’s womb. He protects us now in life, and we return to His fold when we die. He remains with us as our mother, father and sibling. He gives us life, love and comfort. All pervading and permeating, this Giver of life will never perish and never abandon us.
Follow it.
Take positive actions bring change, be a leader and inspire your siblings and cousins and friends... they will be your friends to keep for life.
Sikhi is a simplified-practical-perfect-way of life. Guru Granth teaches us delightful living. (Good + Happy) - Good for today better for tomorrow.
Note: Too many friends
kbIr sUKu n eyNh juig krih ju bhuqY mIq ]
kabeer sookh n eae(n)eh jug karehi j bahuthai meeth ||
Kabeer, peace does not come in this world by making lots of friends.
jo chith raakhehi eaek sio thae sukh paavehi neeth ||21||
Those who keep their consciousness focused on the One Lord shall find eternal peace. ||21||
